It is time for all of us to grow up. Starting with me.

The world is not a pretty bed of roses. I should have guessed, from the first day my sense of smell failed me. Why fight the inevitable? Let's all be pragmatists. Let's all be true-blue Singaporeans. (Note: Those nouns were not meant in any derogatory senses whatsoever) Let's give up on believing in all that is beautiful, because beauty always fades away.

Better in time? Pshaw! If you don't understand why I scoff at the expression, then you shouldn't be reading this post.

Everything has to end.
Everything has to die.
Everyone dies.
Such is life.

Why bother living, what with the pre-determined direction our lives have taken from our very first breath?

I think it was at that moment, when Paw told me that she was eagerly anticipating our joining the J.C team for training this coming Monday, that I finally knew what I wanted. What I want.

I want to be a gymnast.

True, there's the experience of being a student councillor to be lost; friendships may crumble into dusty pieces of rubble as a result - but I just can't imagine life without gymnastics. Because somewhere along the way, over these past ten years, gymnastics has become my life.

Gymnastics is my life.

Does that sound corny? Over-used? It probably is, but it is also how I feel. How I felt. Paw was positively brimming with excitement as she told me about her training experiences, and after a while I realised that she wasn't the only excited person in the conversation. She literally had me on the edge of my seat.

I can't wait for Monday!!!!!!!

Binge-eating is one of the worst habits that a person could ever be afflicted with. In all trepidation, I must finally admit that I am a victim of this detestable habit. Being prone to binge-eating whenever I'm upset or stressed, it should come as no surprise then, that I've been inflating like a balloon over the past year.

Every time I gaze at myself in the mirror, I feel repulsed and nauseated; if throwing up violently would quickly solve the problem of my lateral expansion, I'd undertake it without hesitation. Side-effects such as tooth contraction due to increased contact with gastric acids are stopping me in my tracks. Starving myself gradually, on the other hand, seems to be yielding some results.

But that is not the main objective behind this entry.

People often ask who I am. My answer, without fail, would always be along the lines of: I'm Claire. I'm sixteen, a gymnast in R6$, a member of 0M, a member of the R6$P8. I'm in H@dl3y house. But of course, that is not who I am; those details simply list what I've been named, how long I've been alive, and the groups of people that I am associated with.

Most of these people are satisfied with my response. Shallow, superficial and not to the point. Just like them.

Has anyone ever asked beyond that? No, no one at all. No one so far. Have I ever asked anyone questions beyond the customary "Who are you" or "Tell me about yourself"? No, I have not. Why not? Because people will tell me their names, their ages, their associations, and occasionally their hobbies. But no one tells me who they are.

That is not the main objective, either. My mind is so prone to digressions and fleeting thoughts; I can never stay focused on one concept for long. Perhaps it is because I think of too many things, too many at a time. Too many disjointed things at a time. Disjointed. That reminds me of my fractured ankle two years ago. I miss doing gymnastics. Will I have to give up gymnastics next year?

It's happened again. Am I losing my mind?

But what is there to be lost? My sanity? Was I ever sane to begin with? Or am I simply feeling exhausted? Everything is so incoherent, all of a sudden. But I must return to the objective of this post.

People like to gossip, people like to speculate. But when facts are established, people lose interest in them after a while. I've heard about several... cases. I've known some, and interacted with some - they're happy. Why? Because they have nothing to hide, and hence they have nothing to worry about. So what if false accusations are hurled in their direction? Facts will be facts, and people have eyes to see the truth for themselves.

Is it about these people, then? No it is not. It is about personal happiness, it is about being comfortable; it is accepting decisions and being proud to be part of one another's lives. Is it necessary? I think it is. But clearly, I'm alone on that. Does that matter? No, not really.

So what is it that prompted me to behave so foolishly, and to rake up an unpleasant memory that would make another depressed? Hasn't the world had its fill of unhappy people? I shouldn't have added another person to its ranks. But it's too late to turn back the clock now, isn't it. It has been done, and with any luck, the world might be a happier place tomorrow for all of us.

To answer the question above, (I realise that there are quite a few, but no matter, what's important is that I know which question I'm referring to) I think it would be because I have always entertained daydreams, pleasant thoughts and fantasies of being able to live that particular sort of life; one devoid of secrecy. Freedom is important to me, after all. But no matter - I will not impose it on anyone else. Everyone's different, after all.

It must not be assumed that what makes me happy, will make another happy. No matter how close or similar the other person may be. Does it make sense? It does, to me.

Differences. Those are the things that set the world apart. We're united through our similarities, but that is short-lived in the face of differences. Is there anything in this world that lasts? It's not time, because time is ever-flowing, never-ending, never-ceasing; just like the rivulets of water in a stream. What doesn't change?

Change. Because Change is the only constant.

I could say that I don't care, and I don't mind, and it doesn't matter - but I'd be lying. It is difficult to comprehend, but I suppose I am trying my best to understand, to accept things, and to live with them.

Am I to be denied the occasional lapse, then?

(The criterion aren't supposed to be revealed. Basically, each point is a description of a person, and I'm supposed to name a friend who best fits that description. If you want the questions, let me know )

1. Celestine.
2. Veronica.
3. Yuki.
4. Wanting.
5. Shiyin.
6. Shimin.
7. Amanda.
8. Yuda.
9. Oliver.
10. Mandee.
11. Esther.
12. Denise.
13. Reshmi.
14. Juanmin.
15. Kalya.
16. Yishan.
17. Simone.
18. Kimberley.
19. Japheth.
20. Theodore.
21. Shikaye.
22. Timothy.
23. Jonlim.
24. Mr Teo.
25. Bianca.
26. Fiona.
27. Shanzhi.
28. Zebedee.
29. Shyuan.
30. You're all quirky, but that's why I like you (and probably the reason why we're still friends)